Eight years ago today I lost my daddy to a forty year battle with alcohol.  I remember my father as being a very kind and loving man who adored his little girl more than anything in the world…well, besides his horses who came in a very close second that is.  However, the side of my father that I lived with the majority of the time was the one that was completely influenced by the demon that he carried.  It was the opposite from that of which I held so dearly.

The day that my dad died he went to lunch with my mother and expressed how proud he was of me and how I had become such an amazing mother.  He also told her how sorry he was that he was so absent from my life for so long due to living life through an alcohol bottle.  Dad had come full circle in his life by that point in more ways than one and his body was experiencing the full affects that drinking most of his life had bestowed.  His organs were shutting down slowly causing severe bloating and the retaining of water, and he had contracted Hepatitis C earlier that year, not to mention the fact that he already had heart disease and an artificial valve that was in desperate need of replacement.  However, my dad was entirely too stubborn to undergo a procedure to prolong his life despite the pleas of myself or his cardiologist.  Alcohol had robbed him of many things including a marriage of over twenty years.  My mother loved him dearly and my father worshipped the ground that she’d walked on, but she couldn’t bare to watch him kill himself every single day…it tore them apart.

I too had given up on “saving” my father long ago.  It was after he attempted suicide in the summer of 1988 that I finally told him that I couldn’t watch him do this anymore.  He blamed me for driving him to do this because I was gone that summer helping a friend of my mother’s take care of her newborn.  So my absence then became his scapegoat for a stupid and selfish decision.  This was his way of dealing with the reality of my mother filing for divorce and the fact that I had knowledge of this decision before he had been served the papers.  He disowned me for two years following this event.

We had our ups and downs in the years beyond, but we’d finally made amends by the time he died.  In fact, he was planning to come visit me here in Colorado for my birthday just a little over a month away from the day he died.  The one thing that he did leave me that meant more than anything was a letter that I found the day after he died while going through his things in his room.  He didn’t tell me of this letter before he passed, but I knew it was there when I walked into the room.  He spoke of many things in the letter but most of all of how he was excited and looking forward to our visit and that he wanted me know how much he loved me and missed me.  Those words have helped me through the past eight years.

No…my journey with my father was not an easy one, but I loved him none the less.  He was and always will be my daddy.

Mario F. Savastano

Aug. 29, 1927 – June 5, 1998

So I finally rec’d a call back from my surgeon’s office regarding the contact information that I’d sent to them 2 weeks ago.  Earlier this week I called them because I’d emailed twice and rec’d no response.  Ten minutes after I talked with them they called me back stating that they’d talked to my insurance was told that they “were not allowed” to submit my info to my insurance because my “primary care physician initiated the process by sending a letter of recommendation” and therefore “he will have to submit your paperwork“.  Umm…I don’t think so!

I was livid to say the least because first of all…they didn’t talk to the person that I instructed them to at my insurance and second…it would make absoulety NO sense for my PCP to be the one to submit documentation that was facilitated by the surgeon’s office.

So I called my insurance yesterday morning and spoke with the head of the consults team…she stated, “no…PLEASE have the surgeon’s office submit your paperwork as soon as possible.  In fact, here…let me give you our fax number and they may fax it to us today.”  Yeah…I figured that it would go something like that!

So I called the surgeon’s office back and gave them the information and told them what my insurance stated.  I was then told that my paperwork would be “faxed to the insurance today”.

WOOfrigginHOO!!!

So now…I’m still waiting, but at least I’m waiting on my insurance and not the surgeon’s office.  I just pray to God that they faxed ALL of the information that I gave them too…in fact, I think I contact my insurance on Monday morning to double check what they rec’d.  I want to make sure that EVERYTHING was sent out.  I asked the surgeon’s office to let me know what was faxed…but didn’t get a response…not surprising though.

This surgeon is wonderful and I’ve never heard anything bad stated about him.  However, his insurance liasson…well, an expert she is NOT!

Well my peeps…have a great weekend!

So, my friend who attempted suicide is out on bond now and back to work.  He has a VERY long road ahead of him now…and I think he’s aware of this.  We’ve talked a LOT since he’s been out and he had a really good cry as well.  I’m glad for this because he’s always been one to bottle up his emotions and think this had a great deal to do with the attempted suicide.

I told him that he better get used to hearing my voice because he will be hearing it an awful lot now because I’m now his favorite pest!!  Yuppers…I call him ALL the time now to see what he’s up to and where he’s at.  Yeah…I know it’s annoying, but it’s when he’s all alone and not talking with people that he feels the way he did the other night when he decided to put a gun to his head, so I think this is definitely a better alternative.  Don’t you?

He told me that he doesn’t deserve such a good friend, but he can’t think of anyone better to keep an eye on him.  I told him that I made a promise to his parents and I’m not going to break that promise…besides, it gives me a great excuse to bug the living hell out of him!!  

He’s going to have mandatory counseling and medication which I think is wonderful!  He’s obviously been needing this for some time now but his damn pride got in the way.  So now he doesn’t have a choice in the matter…hey, that works for me.

Things can only go up from here right??

On the subject of my wls…no word as of yet on any approval.  So I’m still in the waiting game…which sucks.  If I don’t hear something by this time next week I’m going to start bugging the hell out of people until I get some answers…see, I’m GOOD at this whole buggin’ people thing…really I am.

I got to work this morning and learned that one of my closest friends attempted suicide last night!  At first I was just shocked and upset…then I got mad at him.  I know what drove him over the edge…his wife, who he is currently separated from for this very reason…they just can’t get along!  He’s usually a very laid back guy…but she pushes his buttons like no other I’ve ever seen before!  She uses their boys to do it…but still, I don’t understand how he could even entertain the thought of suicide.  I mean, he’s got two beautiful little boys and his parents have already lost one of their sons…he’s all they have left now.

That’s the part that pisses me off…suicide it such a selfish decision!  I talked to his mom…she and her husband were (for obvious reasons) upset about it all and very concerned about, not only their son, but their grandsons as well. 

I’m glad that he’s OK right now and being watched (he’s in protective custody) and hopefully the State will force him to get the help that he needs.  Unfortunately…he’s now lost any chance that he had at getting custody of his kids and they deserve better.

What a fucked up situation.

Here I am doing everything I can so that I can live…and he’s blowing off his life as if it’s worth nothing.  I just don’t get it.

Jason took me to the hospital this morning and I checked in at 7:30am at Admissions.  That took about 2 minutes and they sent me back to Endosopy.  The lady working at the front desk there had the personality of a wet dish rag…but hey, she was a volunteer so…

After about 5 minutes or so she took Jason and I back and put me in my little cubicle.  I was immediately greeted by a nurse who told me to get into my gown and strip from the waist up.  So I do so and she came back with a nice warm blanket to put on me and I was snuggled onto my bed.  Another nurse then came in and put in my IV and hooked me up for my vitals.  The staff seems to be very nice at this hospital and I’m pleased by this.

Then another nurse came in and took me back to another cubicle where we waited until the doctor was ready for me.  Jason and I chatted while we waited about the procedure and such.  I told him to think of this as a trial run before my big surgery.

A few moments later another nurse came and got me.  She told Jason to wait in the waiting room and someone would come get him when I was moved into recovery.  She assured him that it would only be just a few minutes.

She took me into this nicely decorated room with cool monitors on the walls.  The doctor was in there scrubbing up.  He said hello to me and seemed to be quite pleasant.  This made me wonder if my experience with him the other day was due to him just having an off day or something.  Anyway, he wasn’t nasty with me at all…in fact, it was the opposite.

He had me turn onto my left side and put an oxygen line on me.  The nurse put a towel under my head…apparently you a bit during this procedure, however I didn’t for some reason. He then sprayed the back of my throat with a numbing agent and preceded to give me drugs through my IV to sedate me.  One of the drugs was supposed to act as an type of amnesia simulator so that I wouldn’t remember the procedure…but I remember everything.  It wasn’t a bad experience though.  It didn’t hurt a bit.

I did feel quite sleepy after he administered the drugs and had a hard time keeping my eyes open at first.  That was until he put the endoscope tube with the camera down my throat.  I was awake then…but only because it was a foreign object being inserted into my body and I could feel the pressure.  I looked up at the monitor and I could see my esophagus and then my stomach.  I saw some lesions in my stomach and thought that can’t be good. 

After a couple of minutes the doctor removed the tube and told me that I did extremely well with this procedure.  He said that he didn’t have any difficulty with it at all.  He also explained to me what we saw.  He stated that I have some erosion in my esophagus and a bit in my stomach as well.  However, he assured me that it is treatable with medication and that he was prescribing something for me to heal it.

He also ensured me that I am just fine to have the surgery.  That was music to my ears!

So then I was wheeled into recovery and felt like I’d drank way too many margaritas! I was a bit groggy…but more drunk feeling than anything.  The nurse brought Jason in and he sat with me.  The nurses monitored my vitals for about 30 minutes or so and brought me some juice to drink.  They made sure that I was somewhat alert and could drink without pain before letting me leave.

I was OK…but felt a bit drunk.  It was alright though…I was quite enjoying it actually, the feeling giddy part…not the groggy part.  Jason took me to Einstein Bagels and got me something to eat and then he dropped me off at work where I’ve been the main entertainment for the day.  My friends are SO mean to me I swear! The BRATS!  Oh they picked on me and tried to mess with me, knowing that my reaction time wasn’t quite up to par…brats.

I did talk one of them, my friend Kim, into driving me to get lunch this afternoon.  I certainly wasn’t going to go with one of the guys because they were enjoying this just a little too much.

Anyway, I have stuff to finish here so I guess I better get back to work. 

Hopefully soon I will be able to post when my surgery date is.

So I went to my appointment this morning for the EGD (panendoscopy), this wasn’t the procedure itself but the initial visit with the doctor.  However, this doctor must have been absent the day of the class for “bedside manners” was held in med school because he was rude as all hell!  Now, normally I’m not one to call people names, well, not to their face anyway…but I am one to call it like I see it.  This guy…was an asshole!

After he called me back, we went and sat in his office to talk.  I had paperwork that the lady at the front desk had given me to complete, so while he asked me questions about my medical history I worked on the forms.  It started off pretty normal discussing my current medications and health conditions etc.  But then…he started asking me about the heartburn and acid reflux…this I expected, except that when I tried to tell him that I was on Nexeum for this in 2001-2002…he interrupted me and said, “so you’ve had this problem for about 2-3 years now…“.  How do you get 2-3yrs from 2001-2002?  I said, “no…more like 4-5yrs“. 

He says, ” I see…so yes, go on…you were on Nexeum and…”. So I explained that I’d had adverse affects while on this drug and that it had caused my food to not digest properly and again he interrupted me with, “so you had diarrhea…I see..”.  So again I said, “no…well, yes sometimes but my food wasn’t digesting properly…i.e. it came out looking the same way it did going in“.

He then looks at me and says, “no, no, no…your food digested just fine…I mean…look at you.  You couldn’t possibly be the size that you are if your food didn’t digest properly.”  

Oh yes…he did…he went there!

For a moment I thought, what the hell did he just say to me?  no…he couldn’t have said THAT…did he? But then I realized, oh yes…he did.  So I looked at him and said, “Excuse me…but what does your opinion of my size have to do with the facts relating to an adverse affect from a medication that I’d had a few years ago?  I don’t think that we should be concentrating on your opinion of my “size” or my personal life…I think maybe you should stick to your specialty…you know, what I’m here for? Yeah, the whole assessing me for damage caused by acid reflux and stomach ulcers.  Okay?”

No comment from him…he just began his dictation into his voice recorder of my medical history and such.  So I figured that this part of the conversation was over and that we would just move on.  I was wrong.

He took me into the examining room and took my blood pressure and listened to my lungs briefly.  He then examined my belly…just some poking around to see if I may have a hernia or related issue.  While doing this he says, “so you just have one child?“…and I thought where the hell did he get that? oh…because I told him I’d had a c-section…  I said, “no…actually I have 4 kids“.  He then says, “oh…are you married?“…like it was a shocking thought or something.  So I told him that yes I am married and he procedes to ask me if my husband is supportive of the wls and all and told him that yes he is and he’s wonderful.  He seemed a bit shocked by that as well but I let it go.

He then took me over to scheduling while announcing to me that “appointments fill up very quickly and it may take some time to get in for the EGD“.  The scheduling lady interjects with, “actually doctor, you have an opening on Friday morning due to a cancellation“.  Gee, I can’t imagine any reason why someone would cancel an appointment with this man could you?

I said to her, “perfect…I’ll take it!“.  He then tells me that she’ll get me all set up and he’ll see me Friday morning and then walks away.  I then ask this woman if he’s always this “sweet” to his patients or if I’m just special.  She smiled and said, “he’s something else, but he’s a good doctor…he knows what he’s doing...”. 

I said, “that’s good, because I really didn’t want to have to hurt him before leaving your office today” and smiled.  She laughed.

Ya know, some people just shouldn’t work with other people and this guy is definitely one of those people!

So, I’m hoping that my pulmonary exam later today goes a bit better than this appointment did.  Maybe this doctor was in attendance for the “bedside manners” class in med school.  Hey, one can hope right?

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P.S. ~ why is it when I try to insert one of my smilies…I get something entirely different from that of which I just picked??  Xanga is having some issues still eh?

Last night I attended my first “support group” meeting.  I was there with 14 other women.  10 of which have already had gastric bypass surgery, dates ranging from a couple of months ago to over 3 years ago.  2 of the women brought a guest, which is something I very well may do in the future…in this case it was their moms.  3 of us haven’t had the surgery yet – 1 is scheduled, 1 is waiting for approval (me), and 1 was still thinking about surgery.

Let me just say that this is a very nice group of ladies.  I was very impressed by all of them and what they’ve all gone through.  I felt before attending this meeting that joining a support group would prove to be very beneficial…but now that I’ve gone, I truly feel that this is essential for me during this process.

I’ve never been surrounded by so many people who not only share my feelings but have experienced so much of what I have.  It’s a bit strange for me and yet very comforting.  We all introduced ourselves, shared some stories about our history and I listened to many of them tell us about their experience with not only the surgery, but beyond that.  It was a wealth of information and wonderful that they all could share this with me.

I aked questions and actually got real answers!  It was incredible.

One of the ladies was kind enough to take me over to Rose Medical (where I will have the surgery) and show me where I will be going on Thursday for my nutrition class.  That was SO nice of her to do.

So yeah, it was a good experience and I look forward to the next meeting.  Hopefully by then I will have a surgery date scheduled!

Okay…so here’s the scoop on the surgical consult because I know that inquiring minds want to know.

I went in Wednesday afternoon…I sat in the surgeon’s office for over an hour waiting to be called.  The wait kinda sucked, but I know that surgeons are notoriously late…especially when they are good surgeons.   So I didn’t mind TOO much. 

Anyway, I was able to talk to about five different people who’d had their surgery done last Monday (5/1) and they were up and walking and driving and feeling pretty damn good (according to them).  That’s encouraging!  The most encouraging thing is that every single one of them had lost a good 10lbs or more already!  Yup…that’s like a pound a day!  Infriggincredible!!

I enjoyed speaking to them and having them share their experience with me.   It was at that moment that I realized that I really need to join a support group…other than online.  So I’m going to my first support group meeting next Monday.  The group is open to the public and is for all kinds of patients (pre-op & post-op) from many different surgeons…so this is going to be good.

Anyway…the surgeon finally came out and called my name.  He walked over to me, introduced himself and shook my hand.   He had a big smile on his face and was quite the bundle of energy!  We walked back to the examination room and he got my height and weight.  We then sat down and he got a page.  Figures right? 

Well, he turns to me and asks me, “Do you mind if I return this?  If I don’t…they’ll just keep paging me and interrupting our session.  I really don’t want that.”  So I said no…I mean, after all…my grandpa was a surgeon and I know the drill.  He called the number back and …he got voicemail?  He was SO not happy about this…but he was graceful and left a message stating that he was just trying to return someone’s page and to please not page him if no one is available to answer his call…that he has patients to see.

We then resumed our conversation and he continued to ask me general information about myself…my age, how long I’ve been this way, what I know about the surgery, if it’s something that I really think is right for me…etc.  After a few minutes…and him thumbing through the inch and a half thick stack of medical records that I brought with me.  He looked over at me and said, “Someone has definitely come prepared…I’m very impressed!” 

He went on to list off the few things that he requires his patients to complete before surgery…

Dr:   …psychiatric consultation…

me:  had it on Monday of this week…you should have the documentation by next Monday…

Dr:  …great!  (he lifts his eyebrow) pulmonary consultation?

me:  scheduled for next Wednesday (5/17)…I tried to get in sooner but nothing was available

Dr:  …good…sounds like you’re on top of things!  You’ll need to complete a nutrition class…and from your paperwork I see that I won’t have to give you my speech on diet…because you seem to eating exactly what you’re supposed to!  Excellent! That’s the first time in my career that I haven’t had to give the “diet speech”.  It’s only a couple paragraphs long…but hey, you just saved me like 15 minutes!  I will also need you to have an OGD done (scope into my stomach to assess any damage caused by ulcers and acid reflux) so I know what I’ll be dealing with here.

me:  Okay

We talked about LOTS of items on the paperwork that he had me complete and went over (briefly) my medical history.  By the time we were done…he looked at me and said, “Well Maria, I think that you’d be an ideal candidate for this surgery.  I would like to get going on this right away for you as it seems that your health has somewhat deteriorated the past few months and as you are so young…this is quite disturbing to me.  I’m going dictate a letter to your insurance company tomorrow morning as if we are doing the surgery right now.  Hopefully this will light a fire under them and they won’t drag their feet too much on approving this.  You more than qualify for it and I feel that this is going to be greatest thing for you.  Don’t worry…you’re going to do beautifully!  So…let’s do this okay?”

Well…YEAH! 

So I told him that my PCP wants to be involved with the process as much as possible and he grabs one of his business cards, writes his cell number on it and hands it to me saying, “Have your PCP call me.  This is my cell number…don’t post it on the internet please, but have him give me a call.  He can sit in on your surgery if he likes.  In fact, I will send him a written invitation myself.”  So he writes a note to himself reminding him to do just that!

That says a LOT to me about the character and confidence of this doctor.  Surgeons don’t invite their peers to oversee a surgery unless they know what the hell they are doing!  So great!

He gave me a sheet with some information on as to who will contact me, from his office, regarding insurance approval and also gave me his email address, home phone number & cell number.  He tells me that if I have any questions or concerns…or I feel that someone is treating me inproperly or things are getting done correctly to not hesitate to contact him.  Now that’s a first!

I feel very comfortable with this doctor and I believe that he’s going to do whatever is necessary to help me through this.  He obviously knows what he’s doing and believes in his patients.  Everyone that I’ve talked to that’s had his/her surgery done by him just raves about him and how wonderful he is.  I now see why.

So…I left the office, came home and called the place where he wants me to go have the OGD.  I was able to get an appointment for next Wednesday morning…and since my pulmonary exam is the same day, but in the afternoon, that works out perfect!  I called the nutrition line yesterday and I can go to a class next Thursday afternoon…again, that’s great!

Things are definitely coming together now and hopefully the insurance will approve this quickly and I might even be able to have the surgery by the last week of May! 

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Okay…for my rant now (for those of you who’ve actually read this far)…

Did you watch American Idol this week??  Did anyone else completely freak when Chris Daughtry was kicked off the show?!  OMG…I was in SHOCK!

I tell you what…this just pisses me off.  I like Katherine McPhee and all…but she SO screwed up this week and deserved to go!  I think she knew that too…according to the look on her face when Ryan called Chris’s name instead of her own.

Is it just me…or does this happen every season?  Someone, who is so NOT deserving, stays while some other more talented singer is kicked off?  It definitely bothers me.

The good news about this whole thing is that Chris has been offered a position with a very well known band…Fuel…and that makes me feel a lot better.  I saw the look of shock on his face Wednesday night as Ryan told him he was the one going home.  Chris is the first Idol that I would definitely run out and buy a CD from.  Now I’m not saying that others aren’t good or that I don’t own some of their music…I’m just saying that I didn’t go stand in line or anything for it.  But Chris…yeah…I would!

Rock on Chris…ROCK ON!

…and I have high cholesteral…imagine that!  Yeah…the doc says that it’s not “an emergency” or anything, but he’s put me on Crestor to lower my cholesteral.

I have my surgical consult this afternoon.  I’m a bit nervous…hoping that things go as well as I hope it will.  I’ve got copies of all of my medical records providing the required documentation…so all should be well.

Still a bit concerned about my insurance approving this whole thing…just because I have no faith in insurance companies.

Oh…and I biffed it yesterday at the doctor’s office.  Yeah…I was stepping down off of the scale and my left ankle gave out and down I went.  I twisted the hell out of my left leg and the muscles are swollen to prove it!  Hurt like a son-of-a-b!@#, I tell you what!  This morning I’m still sore, but it’s not as bad as it was last night.

Good thing my mom didn’t name me Grace huh?

Okay…well have a great hump day!

Well…according to the psychiatrist anyway.  He said that I’m a pretty well rounded individual considering what I’ve been through in my life…and I hadn’t even told him everything!  Yeah, he made that assessment in our 45 minutes session today in which he deemed me sane enough to have the surgery.  Was there any doubt?

I got a call from my PCP after my session was over…he got my lab results back from last week.  He wants me to come in tomorrow to “go over it” with me.  Yah…that can’t be good right?  It’s not…my cholesteral is high…I know it.  His assistant told me so on the phone when I called the office today…however I don’t know the details.  I just know that he wants to put me on meds for it to get it down and quick.  I just hope that this doesn’t delay the surgery too long.

Oh well…I guess I’ll know more tomorrow huh?

So…in the morning I’m off to see the OBGYN and then to my PCP’s office to “discuss” these results.