First off…I want you all to know that I haven’t forgotten you, or my blog here…but I tell you what, time isn’t of abundance in my life!  I attended my 6 week post-op appointment last Friday (after having to reschedule due to some over-anxious babies being born).  The doc says that I’m not only doing extremely well, but I’m completely fixed.  Really?  That doesn’t seem real to me.  Somehow, after striving all these years to be “pain free”, to actually have accomplished this goal seems so surreal.  Not that I’m ungrateful mind you, but just still in shock I think.

I feel great to be honest and am feeling stronger all of the time.  The doc lifted all restrictions in our meeting and then warned me to not jump back into life too quickly!  She told me that I should start “easing back in to a normal routine”.  Well, you know me…yeah, I jump!  I’m trying really hard to be more conscious in regards to this, but that’s pretty difficult for me as I’ve always been one to just get things done and no dilly-dally about.

As wonderful as the news was and is, it was skewed a bit by the actions of another when my ex decided to make comment toward me on his public website.  This is not the first time that he and his wife have made crude remarks on my behalf since they married in 2005.  However, it’s one thing for the wife to do so, but it’s quite another when the father of my three youngest children does it! 

Now what could he have said about me that could possibly be so upsetting?  Well, he stated that I was “psychotic”.  Yup, me…psychotic.  I’ve been called many things in my life, however up to this point that term had not been used (to my knowledge) in regards to me.  My first reaction when I viewed this comment was that I didn’t want my children to see this, but then I changed my mind.  My youngest daughter is almost twelve and I think that she has a right to know the type of things that he dad is saying about her mother when she’s not around or he thinks no one is reading.  She was not pleased when I told her of this and even less so was my oldest daughter (now seventeen).  She went so far as to post a comment asking him, “So since when is my mother psychotic?”.   Of course by this point he’d deleted his comment, but he still responded to her by stating something to the effect of since he was angry and it was a long time ago and he deleted it because it wasn’t nice (btw, a long time ago was 2/13/09).  Whatever.

I would be lying to say that him saying this about me didn’t hurt my feelings, so I won’t.  It does.  I’ve known him since we were teenagers and we were very good friends before we ever started dating.  I’ve tried very hard, since our divorce, to be more than just cordial with him.  In fact, Jason has been telling me for years that I’m entirely too nice when it comes to dealing with him.  I guess that’s pretty accurate, but it’s only been because I don’t want the children to get caught up in any more drama than necessary.  Unlike their father, I’ve done nothing but put them first in every decision I’ve made over the years.  Jason will be the first to tell you that he plays second fiddle in regards to those kids, but he was warned up front that this would be the case. 

I guess that it’s true that you just never really know someone as well as you think you do.  That’s unfortunate.

I do, however, believe that before using a term to describe another person that one should first know the full definition of the word they are using.  Also, one should also take a very close look at oneself, and their spouse for that matter, before going so far as to insult another, especially in a public forum.  Just saying. 

So tomorrow I return to work after being gone for 21/2 weeks. It’s going to be very long day I’m afraid.  My main focus tomorrow is to get through the day without hurting myself or overdoing things.  Wish me luck!

I’m feeling much better and the doctor says that I’m a “superstar”. lol…yeah, that’s me alright.  I must admit that I’m quite proud of myself on the whole behaving after surgery thing.  However as frustrating it has been, I’ve been a good girl.  Don’t believe me?  Well…then go ask Jason.

Even though I’ve been behaving myself post-surgery, it doesn’t mean that it’s any less frustrating for me.  One would think that depending upon others is what frustrates me the most, but it’s not.  I’m frustrated with my body, for one, and the fact that I’m not prepared for school to start for my kids in just a little over a week.  I’m normally totally prepared for the beginning of the new school year, but this year it is not the case at all.  Mostly due to my recent major surgery, but also because my three youngest are attending school in a new district this year and have conflicting start times.  When I say conflicting, I mean that in the total sense of the word.  Not only do these start times conflict with my work schedule, but it puts Corin, my almost 12 year old, starting school before the twins (Caleb & Jonah) who are only 10.  Dora, my eldest at almost 17, isn’t even able to help me out with this as her schedule conflicts as well.  We’re looking into adjusting her schedule, but that may not be the solution to the problem.  I may have to ask my ex’s mom to help me out and get my boys on the bus each morning or drop them off at school.  She only lives 3 miles from us, but I’d hate to imposition her by disrupting her mornings.

I’m sure that we will figure something out, even if it means changing my work schedule, but I really wan to make that my last resort.  Being the in charge of operations, I work some early hours and if I’m restricted to working later, that will make my job a tad bit difficult to say the least.

The other major thing that is frustrating me regarding the start of school is that I’m not able to go out and buy the kid’s school supplies as I’m not allowed to drive yet and my body is letting me stand for that long of a period yet either.  I was able to order some new items for them on-line yesterday.  Caleb has had his heart set on a new Wall-E backpack & lunch tote, so I went to the on-line Disney store and found both for $17, which is pretty good price wise.  I was also able to get new ones for Corin & Jonah as well, along with a couple new shirts for each of them and a new raincoat for Caleb.  He has major issues with rainy weather, the texture of the rain when it hits his skin tends to make him have a meltdown so I thought that if he had a new Wall-E raincoat that it might help on rainy days.  Anyway, I got all of those items for under $100, including shipping!  This made me feel a bit better, but not entirely.  I had Jason go get the boys some new jeans from  K-Mart this morning, on sale for $10 a pair…again, not bad.  I bought the boys new shoes a few weeks ago that I’d found on clearance at Wal-Mart for $13 each. 

Even though I consider myself to be a pretty frugal shopper, I’m well aware of how much is spent on preparing the kids for school each year.  Dora’s fees for her senior year will total out at $130, which is nothing compared to what it would be if she attended her home school instead of a alternative school.  Even still, Corin’s fees were around $60 and the boys will total out around $50 each which adds up.  Not to mention how much Jason will spend on his supplies for the new year.

I must say that more than anything though, I’m frustrated that my kids are not home with me.  I haven’t had them home in 2 weeks now due to them coming down with chicken pox just before I went in for surgery.  I’ve never been apart from them for this length of time and I’m not coping well with it.  I saw Jonah yesterday for the first time in 2 weeks and it was only for just a few minutes.  I’m sure that not having them home right now is allowing me to get much needed rest, but it doesn’t mean that I miss them any less.  Especially knowing how badly they wish to be home with me.  I supposed to get a little time with Corin & Jonah tomorrow, but not Caleb as he still has the chicken pox.  I’ve had the chicken pox, in fact I had it 4 times as a child.  However, since I have a weak immune system to begin with and have just had major surgery, this risk of me contracting shingles from exposure to someone with chicken pox, is much greater than most.

I just want things to be normal again and I’m running low on patience.  I’m sure these feelings have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’m now in menopause right? Yeah…I’m sure that’s not a factor at all.

Yes folks, I’m still here!

Surgery did not take as long as we’d anticipated (thank God).  In fact, it only took a quarter of the time that we’d thought it was going to. It was very good to hear my doctor tell me that she didn’t find anywhere near the amount of scar tissue we’d originally thought she’d encounter.  She did find fusion, but luckily it was minimal – my uterus was fused to my pelvis, my left ovary fused behind my uterus and both to my colon and bowels.  She was able to separate everything successfully and only with having to go in through an old incision site, so I wasn’t sliced open hipbone to hipbone as we’d originally feared. 

I also had minimal issues in recovery, high blood pressure right after I came to, but it went down quickly after getting my pain under control.  The O.R. nurse was really great and physically went and got Jason & Dora and brought them with me up to my room so that they were never away from me.   My room was really tiny, which wasn’t a big deal except that we had a lot of people in & out of that little room…so much that the nurses joked that they put me in the closet! lol 

I did have a couple small complications following surgery, I had some bleeding from the incision that was caused during the closure (they hit a vein) and wasn’t cooperating very well.  I had two nurses and a resident putting pressure directly on my incision to get the bleeding to slow down enough that we could put some pressure pads on it.  Of course, walking just irritated it again caused it to bleed more, so they added more pressure pads.  This quickly became a cycle as we wound up having like seven sets of pads on there before it finally stopped bleeding.  When the doctor came to examine it the next morning, she removed the pads and found that there was a HUGE blot clot, the size of a baseball, where the bleed had been.  I know, it’s gross, but I was just glad to see that my body was clotting because when the bleed had occurred, they were concerned about my blood count due to blood loss.  It was gushing pretty good for about an hour. So, even though it wasn’t a pleasant sight, I was relieved none-the-less.  The doctor removed a good portion of the clot, but left some as to not disturb the site further and cause another bleed.  The entire thing was removed before I was released the next day, but the whole thing was just not fun.

Anyway, due to the bleed, I wasn’t able to walk as much as I’d liked to while at the hospital.  So, the doctor and I agreed that a two night stay was best.  I also was having some pain control issues.  My incision hasn’t hurt a bit, even with the bleed, but due to the fact that she had to scrape the back of my pelvis to remove all of the scar tissue, my pelvis has felt like it’s being crushed. Since I’ve been home, I’ve also had to deal with a lot of gas pain.  They had to fill my abdomen with air when they went in, so that has caused quite a bit of discomfort, but they also had to work on my bowels, so my muscles are fully functional yet…it’s made things a bit difficult. 

Other than that though, I’m feeling better every day.   I’ve been walking better and am able move a little better, but I get tired very quickly (which is to be expected).  The worst thing though, is that my little kids (Corin, Jonah & Caleb) are all at their dad’s because they’ve come down with chicken pox!!   So they can’t be home with me for fear of me contracting shingles.  I have a weakened immune system due to the bypass surgery & vitamin deficiency, but throw in a major surgery on top of that, and well…we don’t want to risk it.  However, I’ve never been away from my kids while they’ve been sick before…although I know I’m not currently capable of caring for them & they’re better off at their dad’s, it’s still difficult to be away from them, especially now. I just don’t like this.

Okay, well I’m done whining now. The good thing is that I’m home, I’m doing well as can be expected and I will be better once I’ve healed.

Well…today is pre-op and tomorrow is the BIG day.  I check into the hospital tomorrow morning at 8am and surgery is scheduled for 10am.  I’m on clear liquids today and nothing after midnight tonight.  I’m really hoping that I won’t be awake at that hour.  I had to get up at 2:30 this morning to take my mom and her bff to the airport so that they could go to their 40th class reunion in Michigan.  Yes, my mom is going out of state while I’m undergoing a major surgery.  In fact, I asked her to go.  Why you ask? Well, let’s just say, I’m supposed to be as calm as possible during the next 24 hrs and that just can’t be accomplished with my mother here.  She tends to raise my bloodpressure just a tad.  So off she went, but of course her bff forgot her precious cell phone behind and now I’m having to overnight it to her.  I have a UPS account, so not big deal, but she didn’t know the address as to where she’ll be staying, so I have to wait until she calls me and gives me the shipping information before I can send it to her.  I also was awake enough at 3 something this morning to get her credit card information to pay for this little mishap, considering it’s going to cost about $45 to ship it Next Day Air! OUCH!

Anyway, I had a GREAT time visiting with my bff while he was here!  Jason & I really miss having him around and wish that we all lived closer, but I’m not willing to move back to Dallas to make that happen.  So, we settle for the visits when we can get them.  We did manage to get a really good photo of the two of us while he was here though (thanks to my wonderful hubby for his photography skills).

I wish I had more time today to sit and chat with everyone, but unfortunately I don’t.  In just a moment I have to run some errands (bank, DMV, store, etc) in preparation for being out of the loop for a few weeks.  I did want to say thank you to all of you who’ve shown your support and shared kind words with Jason & me during this trying time.  We appreciate it very much.

As for my Jason, well…you know I love you more than I could ever express…but just in case you’ve forgotten, I love you baby.

After a great deal of poking and prodding, one of my closest and dearest friends is coming to visit today!   It’s taken me YEARS (literally) to talk him in to visiting me for a change instead of me visiting him (hence the subject line).  

His timing is very good actually, I NEED the distraction in the worst way right now!  For those of you who’ve read my last couple of posts, I’m sure you can understand as to why.  I finally broke down last night for the first time since being told that my organs are fused together and that I’d need to have the upcoming surgery.  It’s been almost a month since I was given that news and yet, it just now really hit me.  I knew it would eventually, but it still came as a shock that I’m scared.  I’m not one who gets scared easily, I’d like to think that I’m a pretty strong person…but even I must admit that the thought of being under in the O.R. for 6-10 hours while a team of surgeons attempt to separate my organs, frightens me.

I have my pre-op appointment tomorrow afternoon and the hospital pre-registered me earlier this week.  Maybe this is why it’s finally all catching up with me?  Maybe.  Either way, it’s overwhelming to focus on right now.  I’ve so much to do in preparation for this surgery, not only at home but at work as well.  Can you say stress? Yeah, I’m sure that’s not what I SHOULD be doing right now.

So, for the next few days while my friend is here, I’m going to try my best to not think about it all and enjoy my time with him and live in the moment for a change.   That’s the plan anyway.

 My best friend is coming out for a visit this week and so I cleaned the house (which needed to be done anyway) on Saturday.  I DEEP cleaned, so it was an 8 hour project, but well worth it.  However, my body doesn’t seem to share this sentiment at all!  It’s really pissed off at me for doing all of that bending, lifting, stretching and stooping.

Jason & I took the boys to the Rockies/Braves game that evening and I had to take a pain pill to get through sitting at the game.  I’m SO ready for this to be over.  I have all of these things that I’d let get accomplished and do with my family, but can’t because my body fights me every step of the way.  It’s very frustrating.

So, yesterday I decided that I need to rest over the next couple of days before my friend shows up on Wednesday or I’m not going to be in any shape to do much of anything.  So that’s the plan…now, we’ll see if I can do it.  

Wish me luck! (you know I’ll need it because I’m not good at lazy)

As the birthdays over the past few years just haven’t gone according to plan (that’s an understatement), I’ve decided that I’m no longer celebrating my birthday on the actual date of birth.  That’s right, I’m changing my birthday to another date that hopefully will bode better than the original.  Hey, it’s worth a shot!

This last birthday (last week), not only didn’t go as planned but was by far one of the worst I’ve ever had.  I was in more pain than I ever remember being in and we had to cancel our trip out of town.  Now mind you, this trip was supposed to be a grand distraction to help take my mind off of everything that’s been going on as of late and relieve a bit of stress.  However, instead of venturing to the winery to taste all of the lovely bouquets, Jason spent the four day weekend waiting on me and assisting me in ways that a husband shouldn’t be required to do.  Thank God he’s  a saint of sorts or I would be in big trouble!  There’s no question as to how much he loves me, not that I ever questioned that before, but now it’s clearly apparent.

I’m not a lazy person by any means and I think it’s more than safe to state that I’m pretty independent as well.  I’m not a procrastinator either, by any stretch of the word…I like things done as soon as possible so that I can get on with life and other activities.  So when I’m not able to do things for myself, well…it’s not pretty.  I don’t have much in the way of patience and I’m told that I’m quite finicky on top of it.  I’m sure this is not sounding like a good combination at all is it? Well imagine how poor Jason feels when I’m physically incapable to take care of things or myself without assistance.  Right…most would be heading for divorce court by now.  Not us though, I’d do it for him in a heartbeat and he knows that.  In fact, I take pretty darn good care of him on a regular basis…so I don’t think he’s really reluctant to give back to me on occasion.   However, even this was above and beyond his job description I think.

I’m very appreciative of how well he took care of me last week and I know that after my surgery he will have to do it again, but hopefully this will be the last time it will be to such an extent.  *crosses fingers*

Anyway, I digress…since the attempts of celebrating my birthday over the past several years have gone awry, I’ve decided to just change the date of celebration.  I’ve thought about changing it to another month, but that didn’t feel right to me.  I also contemplated changing it to the date I had my bypass surgery three years ago, but I’m not really sure about that one either, even though the date holds significance to me…it’s not heartfelt enough.  Then I thought of celebrating it on the same day as a dear departed friend of mine was born, which happens to also be the day that Jason arrived here in Colorado in 2002 to begin our life together.  It also doesn’t hurt that it’s the same number that’s been used by my favorite athlete for his entire career.  This date holds great significance and very special meanings to me…so I think this is the one I’m opting for.

Therefore, from this day forward I declare that my birthday will be celebrated on July 21st! 

So, tomorrow I turn 34 and today my doctor confirmed yet another major surgery.  I’ve had severe endometriosis for over 10 years now and even had a surgery for it in 2003.  However, over the past year or so my symptoms have drastically worsened and my body has shown signs that something more sinister is happening.  In January I’d starting having symptoms of what I thought was the stomach flu, but turned out to be something that wound up lasting for months on end.  The doctor theorized that it may be leisons in my colon or intestines, but then thought that it might even be shingles when tests ruled out the other theories.  It wasn’t that either, in fact, he never figured out what it was.  Well, as usual I couldn’t just take “I don’t know” as an answer and started to research the symptoms on my own.  I thought about my symptoms and wondered if they could possibly be related to my endometriosis and learned that it was not only possible, but probable.

I spoke to the doctor about this and wondered if there was any way that my endometriosis was somehow fusing my organs together.  He didn’t think that this was the situation and told me not to worry about that.  So a couple of months went by and the symptoms subsided a bit, but new symptoms appeared.  My menstrual cycles got much more severe and I started developing yeast infections for absolutely not apparent reason…in the middle of my cycle!  So again, I went to the doctor and he gave me meds for the infections and did a pelvic exam but said that he didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.  Again, this was not an acceptable answer for me, so once again I did research on my own.  I learned that the endometrios can cause the infections as well as a lot of other things I’d never known about.  The more I read, the more I thought that my worst fear of the organ fusion could be a real possibility.

So I finally got into an OBGYN and told her of my fears and symptoms.  She’s a friend’s doctor and was very open minded about it all and sympathized with my situation.  She examined me and stated immediately that I was right about the fusion.  She said that my uterus is for sure fused to the back of my pelvic area and that we won’t know to what extent until they open me up.  She went on to tell me that in my case I should have a full hysterectomy, but there was no way that I can have it vaginally because of the fusion of severe scar tissue, they will have to do an open abdominal incision (hipbone to hipbone).  She ordered an ultrasound and found that I have 5 cysts on my right ovary and that my left ovary is enlarged and inactive.  They also found severe scarring along with evidence of past ruptured cysts and fibroids.

She put me on progesterone to attempt to stop my cycle until we finished with testing and scheduled surgery.  This has not worked at all, even with having me on double the recommended dosage.  In fact, not only have I still been bleeding, but the pain has been worse than it normally is.  Then, last night I started having severe reactions to the medication (heart palpatations and shortness of breath)…so I’ve stopped taking the drug.  She wanted to have me take a round of Lupron, a new medication that simulated menapause to test how I would react to estrogen supplements, however, this would cost me $700 a shot!  Oh my insurance would cover it, but only after I’d paid the $1500 deductable!  The insurance didn’t see the Lupron as a prescription medication, because it’s a shot it was listed as a medical procedure.  I immediately said that we’re not going that route.  I spoke with doc on Monday and told her that I understand that risks of the surgery and that I don’t feel putting it off for 3 months to test on a medication that is basically going to tell me what I’m going to have to find out anyway is worht it.  This is only going to get worse over time, so time isn’t something I’m willing to waster. This morning her office called me and confirmed the scheduling of my surgery for the end of this month.  The surgery is to last a minimum of 5-6 hours, if there are not complications and will require a minimum 2 night stay in the hospital.  I will then be on 6 weeks of restrictions.

I have mixed emotions regarding this surgery.  I realize that it’s necessary and may even be life saving as my uterus could be fused to vital organs, but since the last time I had a major surgery I wound up in ICU, I’m a bit nervous.  I’m more worried about my kids and my husband than I am for myself.  They are the ones having to watch me go through all of this again and are scared, especially the kids.  I hate that they have spent so much time with me in the hospital over recent years.  However, I’m certainly not willing to just let this go and risk death either, it’s a double edged sword I suppose.

In the meantime, I’m trying to enjoy my time with my family before surgery.  My best friend is coming to visit in a couple of weeks, so that will be a welcomed distraction for sure.  In fact, they wanted to schedule my surgery for day he arrives and I said no.  I need to have that time with him before I go through this.  We haven’t seen each other for 2 years now and I need time to just let go and have some fun.

Dora & I recently took a trip to Michigan (my home state) for my niece’s graduation and to see some old friends.  My brother was quite angry that I was attending his daughter’s graduation, due to the fact that he was not extended an invitation.  This is his own fault by the way and I really don’t feel sorry for him, but I do for my niece.  Although, I’m quite proud of her for standing up to him and taking control of her life.  She certainly was not blessed with wonderful parents, but she turned out strong and very smart in spite of them.

We had a great time back home and even got to visit my birthplace (Holland) while there.  I’ve posted some pictures from our trip if anyone wants to take a peek.

Okay, I think I’ve filled the page quite a bit considering I’ve been absent for so long.  I’m exhausted and on painkillers at the moment, so I’m going to retire for the night.

Tomorrow I will be 34…but I feel as if I’m turning 84.

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